Hand to Bone Read online

Hand to Bone

  Sarah D’Stair

  Copyright © 2011 by Sarah D’Stair

  (KUBOA)/SmashWords Edition

  www.kuboapress.wordpress.com

  It is the genuine hope of KUBOA to receive unfiltered feedback from readers regarding the works we produce. Whether your reaction to the work was positive, negative, or ambivalent, we would much appreciate your taking the time to send some remarks to us—these will be shared with the authors.

  [email protected]

  This is how an ear looks.

  And here is a pair of knees.

  And here, a foot.

  Another ear.

  Here is an eye.

  Look at this human’s eye.

  Then, a mouth.

  A mouth.

  And another mouth.

  Jorgen Leth, ‘The Perfect Human’

  Day 1

  Talked to the dog about the price of eggs. Walked out the door and into the hall. Met a woman there. Wearing a backpack and holding extra books. Saw to it that the office was cleared out. Afterward so and so and so and so. The day began at 7:00. Took a long nap and then out. And then out. And then out to find bread for a meal. A meal for two people, who are not well-liked. At all. Didn’t like the food. Much too much of it was green and grainy. Felt too grainy in the mouth, chewing and swallowing grain, like dirt, and then swallowing again and drinking water in gulps to wash it down, to remove the memory of that texture of grain. And then pretending to like red wine. And then considering whether or not to confess the dislike of red wine. Then deciding against it. Then considered speaking about something else. But then talked about a film that people think is worthwhile. Ended by finishing the meal, eating it all in punishment. For agreeing to eat this meal at all. For agreeing to attend this meal. To look at two people across a table and put food into the mouth at the same time, and sometimes to talk while doing these two things as well. Crossing the legs under the table, then uncrossing them, shifting weight on the hard wooden chair. Deciding the whole time when and when not to look into that person’s eye.

  Day 2

  Woke up with an itch. In the eye. Which led to another sort of sensation. Drew a blank when asked how Indian names work. Is the name listed in the middle the middle name. This question led to annoyance. An annoyance of an afternoon. Sat down to read a few words, words printed in print on a page. Some of the words could not be understood. A few of the words. Thought about the colors outside the window. And how unimpressive. Eyes to words, Eyes to glass, pane, glass, words, pane, eyes. Centered at the desk, directly in the center. Checked the mailbox. Still thinking about the question. In the bus. Conversation. Stepped down off the bus and into the street. Walked the four blocks. And eating. So often eating. So often sitting at a tiny table with objects scattered, tilted, diagonal, tipping off, overlapping, stacked. And which one to choose to touch. Which one to choose to touch and bring to attention, to consideration. Enough. Walked back four blocks. Decided against the bus, in favor of standing still for awhile. The feet in one place without movement for awhile. Just until the strain of stillness and thinking about stillness made it impossible to be still. The thinking made it impossible. To stand under a hat and under other things awhile and to stand while a body passes and the smell of that body causes a thought. And to continue to stand despite the smell which is not bad but it is just there.

  Day 3

  Went into the restroom near that door with the name on it that is difficult to pronounce. Looked into the reflection, stared into the reflection and touched the hair just over the ear, to move the hair just over the ear, out of the way of the ear. Walked out past the door again, and looked into the window at the person sitting behind the desk. Next to the grey wall. The grey wall with several pictures hanging on it. Decided to never mind the thought that crossed at that point. And then down the stairs into the other room in which people hold drinks, coffee or tea or other liquids. Will coffee please. Will coffee please this mouth these taste buds, will coffee be the thing that makes one feel pleased at this moment. Remarked that the figurine on that desk brings to mind another figurine on another desk and remarked that those two different people perhaps stood in the same spot at one point. In exactly the same spot and how remarkable. Held a cup in the hand and looked down into the cup. Liquid. Attempted to taste the liquid. How does one taste the liquid. Moved onto another part of the day. Mailbox. Woman. Hallway lined with bricks. Red bricks. Texture, rough. Fingertips, rough, hard, pleasant. Touching the red bricks for a long time. Looking at the red red red bricks while placing the fingertip on the bricks. Moving the feet while the fingers touch and feel.

  Day 4

  Yes started the day. Yes the head will rest on the pillow much later. Yes the head will rest later. Yes the thin flat pillow that often does not produce comfort but rather produces ache. Walked up the stairs. Told that woman that I had not finished the paper that day. Told the woman that I only had thought it, that the paper had only been thought and not written. The eyes close then open as the feet move one foot and then the other foot and then the first foot again and so on and so on down the stairs and across the room and through the hall and out the door and onto the pavement and toward the place where the feet will stop eventually. Walked though those doors. The act of searching. Looking at many things and then looking down a different way that also contains many things. And one of these is the right one. Which one is the right one. Turned outside and thinking of the back flat on the soft bed. How will it feel to lay the back on the soft bed. Taking that step out there, wanting to take a different step. Wanting to be taking a step that will lead to a different place altogether. Turning the foot just to the side to change the direction but realizing there is no point in the change of directions now and especially not with just a turn of the foot for that will not be enough for one must turn both feet.

  Day 5

  Noise sound of water. The rain outside the window outside the place in which one lives. Noise outside and the rain causing a peculiar feeling, a note of feeling satisfied and the rain falls down to the ground. Pleasant. And the walk in which the feet became wet inside the shoes inside to the soles and the heels and that bringing to mind how it may feel to walk back. Needed a book of some sort. Library and the dust and the moving down one aisle and then another aisle and then finding the one. Noted the bound book. Noted the white tiles under the feet. Noticed the sound again of the elevator and of another person also searching one line of books and then the other. Outside again. Where does one go after finding a book which one needed. Hearing a glass a drinking glass outside and wondering why a person brings a glass a drinking glass out of doors where it might break and then it would be difficult to sweep up on the cement. Looked to see where that sound that glass sound came from but saw only this person that person this person sitting or walking or standing all seeming quite busy with various activities. Where does one go after the library after finding a book in that one aisle at the library. Where does one go after hearing glass outside outside. Where does one go after looking to see others standing or sitting where does one go.

  Day 6

  Three dollars in the wallet. Enough for a coffee, a small coffee to drink to go in the mouth bitter. Looked in the wallet to touch fingers to what is inside, saw there a photograph which had not been noticed for some time. Took the photograph out of the wallet and took a moment just a moment to remember the person in the photograph but could not. Should one keep this photograph. Should one keep this photograph of this person unremembered. Considered this. And then considered the feeling of watching the photograph on top of other discarded things placed down into a basket. The feel of this d
iscarded person that once one must have known. Brought then to mind another person known once but no longer. Stood in the doorway the foyer for a few minutes to feel warmth of the heat which is always so strong in this particular doorway as respite from the cold outside. Delightful warmth which is opposite from the cold feeling of wind rain grey cold outside. Did not go into that store with the light on its side the one with the creek running behind which one can hear so quiet as one walks into the doors. Unclear as to why one has not seen only heard the water there for the water there seems such a part of every day. Each day with the purpose of looking at not just hearing that water but each day only thinking of it and not taking the steps to get there.

  Day 7

  Needed to think of something else to do at one point. Sat in a chair looking at papers on a desk at a picture on a desk at other objects scattered on the desk. Understood at one point that each object had been placed at one point with the hands, each without thought in the place each now sits. One hand to one object without thought and setting it down. Decided to walk outside into the air and to walk even further to the building in which one stood in line once long ago for several hours. Remembering the waiting, the standing, the smell of the hair of that woman, just the slightest scent of clean, and standing searching for words to read on this flyer that sign this notice posted on the wall and all of this just for some place for the eyes to rest for a moment, for the eyes to have a place to stay, to remain still on one and only one small square of space. The person who once sat at the front of the building was no longer there and this led to a certain feeling perhaps of sadness but not quite. Stood at the entrance to the building for a minute just before entering. Much later attempted to call to dial numbers to reach a person with whom one could talk. Ended by discussing one line in one book that the person had read several years ago but which had little to do with the current state of mind.

  Day 8

  Drank a glass of water at midday, the water cool to touch the lips and down the throat, could feel this cool down the throat. And then the stomach ache that began while sitting at the table with food on the table an ache in the stomach began but could not understand why. Left without eating the food for the ache caused also the feet to become unstable as they stood. Decided on the bus. Passing this store front that store front this series of green lights to light the storefronts and then a series of red lights at which the bus must have come to a stop. And each stop the stopping motion which pulled the body forward and then back and then forward just a bit more and the ache the ache that could be felt down from the center of the body and through the chest the ache that caused the body to stiffen to stop the movement of forward and back and then forward again. Sat on the bus a long time for the feet might not carry might not make it to the bed where one might lie down to lie horizontal to fall into sleep that will erase or not erase but forget that this ache is there. Sat on the bus for a long time much longer than necessary and saw one person step up onto the bus and then step down off the bus and then another person doing the same and wishing the feet would stand to step off the bus but they would not stand.

  Day 9

  Sitting down standing walking to this room and then to another room. At one point perhaps wanting to ask a person to come to talk to sit down across the table. Perhaps to feel awkward at the sound of voice. To think upon if the right thing was said at this moment and then to be convinced and then not convinced that the right thing was said. To see the pale brown hair. To perhaps touch the pale brown hair of that person but only to touch in a mistaken way as if a mistake was made so as to not indicate that the touch the light brushing of the hand to the hair was on purpose. Sitting and wanting to pretend to touch just the ends the pale brown ends of the hair which would shine at times in the light overhead. Walked out into the hall and met one person who nodded. A slight nod of the head. Walked out into the hall but turned around to walk back inside for some reason. Took down one book from the shelf. Looked at the book. Turned the book around in the hands and read just a few of the words as the book turned over and over in the hands. Here is the name of a person written inside the book, the name of a character written on the first page of the book. Looked to find the name of another person in the book and found one directly on the following page. In the book were the names of two people and in the book were written scenes in which they talk to each other and sometimes do not talk to each other.

  Day 10

  Cold cold wind on the neck in spaces in which the wind is not blocked by some structure some building some structure in which there are people working talking eating. Cold around the ear so pulled down the hat over the ear. No relief. The ear is cold. Still cold. Still cold. Thought about going inside that door the one in which the reflection is clear each time each day it is clear. Thought about opening that door with the hand the cold fingers. Walked further on. First this foot moves then the other foot moves how do the feet know how to move one after the other to take one to a place where one decides to go. How do the arms move and sway even in this cold to keep balance to keep the whole body in balance as it moves forward to some other place. Looked across the street. Across over there. Across the street across across the street the street lined with people and autos and lights and windows. Should one cross over to that side that other side across the street to that other side. Should one make the decision to step out onto the curb to take that step downward and onto the black black street and decide to move the feet one after the other to get to that other curb which one must step up onto eventually. Noted that an animal a dog of some sort was tied to a post outside and thought that the person inside must not understand what that could possibly mean.

  Day 11

  Sitting down. Standing. Sitting. Looking. Touching. Speaking. Asked into that room to discuss a particular project one which cannot be completed in the given amount of time. Sitting down in a red chair across a white table listening to this person talk. Voice. Sound of voice. Sound of voice rising then falling and then rising again in interrogation. Walked out of the room around the corner to another chair which was more familiar. Behind glass which was very familiar. Familiar glass from which one can see what is outside the glass but also at times what is on the inside. Looked outside the glass onto the grey grey wall the wall which the shoulder touches from time to time when a person passes. The shoulder touches the wall in order for the other shoulder to not touch a person walking in the opposite direction. Touched a piece of paper one with words and numbers printed on both sides. Touched the clothes repeatedly one must be sure they are in place. Touched the paper cup. Touched the piece of yellow paper which was sitting over there. Touched many things. Walked many places. Looked at many people. Looked and looked, looked at many people into the eyes and not into the eyes and at the hands and not at the hands but then again at the hands as they move to touch things and people. Saw a man who was wearing a blue suit. A woman in a red dress. A woman in a red shirt. A man with a backpack strapped to his back. A tall man.

  Day 12

  Saw a cat a stray cat an unattractive stray outside and it was raining. Thought about this all day. The cat with brown fur on the street in the rain. Rain. Water. Rain. Rain and the sound of rain outside all day. Wet on the hair wet on the hands shoulders neck legs the whole body wet from rain. Sat and ate a meal with several people. One person laughed often. The person laughed often but there was no reason to laugh. Looked around at people the people sitting at this table the people sitting at another table and people sitting further away near the window. Hot. Too hot inside this place. It was too hot and so removed the jacket removed the sweater wanted to remove the shirt but of course could not remove the shirt. Just so warm in this place. What did that woman say was that woman speaking in a manner in which one should answer. Perhaps one should say the word yes just to be sure or just to be safe but then perhaps the answer should be no or should be given in more detail. Walked
outside. Rain water on the body. Nothing else and wanted to say to the man on the street the words rain water falling but did not say those words. To say the words rain water falling. Walked past the man. Looked back toward the man who was standing near the street and who was wearing a grey suit and who was becoming quite wet from the rain.

  Day 13

  Looked in the mirror. Touched the face. Touched the fingers to the face to the nose just under the eyes. Touched the blue around the eyes just a slight blue which indicates a lack of sleep. Walked into another room and noticed the reflection again in the window but could not see clearly enough to see the blue of the eyes. Tried to see clearly the reflection in the window but could not see clearly. Dark outside. Pulled down the window shade. Mailbox. Needed also to go to the store but did not feel as much like taking the walk. Sat down on the cushion the one that always feels soft touched the fingers to the soft texture beneath the legs. Quiet. Tried to hear sounds but there were no sounds. Should one feel comfortable with no sound to hear. Should one seek out sounds to hear to focus to give one a focus which is not based on sight but on sound. Still needed to go out but could not. Looked at the colors on the wall the colors of the pictures hanging on the wall when did those pictures start to hang on that wall when did one hang those pictures. Tried to remember hanging the picture the blue one with the red shades. Tried to remember touching that picture to hang it. Looked around at other things. Tried to remember placing that glass on the table. When did one touch that glass. When did one touch those papers, that pencil, those books, the hat which one wore it must have been some time ago.